187 - Friday Fix: Can You Change Someone Else?

The Verywell Mind Podcast

Dotdash Media Inc.

Health & Fitness, Self-improvement, Mental Health, Education

5 • 703 Ratings

🗓️ 29 July 2022

⏱️ 8 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

A lot of people enter my therapy office, not because they’re looking to change themselves, but because they want to change someone else. I commonly get questions like, “Can you talk to my partner about their drinking for me?” or “Can you meet with my daughter to tell her that she needs to stop dating men with so many problems? It’s not good for her kids to see that.” While you can’t force someone else to change their behavior, you can influence them. In fact, the closer your relationship is to someone else, the more likely you are to have an influence on the choices they make. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	Welcome to the Very Well Mind podcast. We've interviewed over 100 authors, experts, entrepreneurs, athletes, musicians, and others to help you learn strategies to care for your mental health.
0:22.9	This episode is hosted by psychotherapist and bestselling author Amy Morin. Now let's get into the episode.
0:54.7	Okay. You're listening to the Friday fix. Every Friday, I share a quick mental strength strategy that can help fix the thoughts, feelings, and actions that can hold you back in life. You've probably heard people say that you can't change anyone else. And while I agree, you can't force someone to change, I'm also a firm believer that
1:01.1	you have the power to create change in your relationship. The closer you are to someone,
1:05.8	the more influence you have. So while you can't make your partner stop smoking, and you can't force your parents
1:11.7	to start taking better care of their health, there's a good chance you might be able to have
1:15.7	a positive influence on them if you go about things from a different angle. Before we talk about
1:21.1	what works to promote change, let's talk about what doesn't work. When we want someone to change,
1:26.2	our natural tendency is to point out their
1:28.0	behavior and explain why we think they should do things differently. But that approach usually
1:33.0	backfires. Think about it from your own perspective for a minute. When was the last time you
1:38.4	changed one of your habits because someone pointed it out to you and expressed not liking what
1:42.5	you're doing. Probably never.
1:45.5	Imagine a vegetarian walks up to somebody who's eating a hamburger and says,
1:50.0	meat's really bad for you and it's bad for the environment. You shouldn't eat it. What are the
1:54.5	chances that person's going to say, you know, I never thought about it like that. Thanks for
1:58.2	letting me know. And then they vowed to never eat meat again.
2:02.6	Probably not going to happen. Strangely, though, we sometimes expect that approach to work.
2:07.8	You might lecture your adult child about their spending habits, or you might caution your
2:12.0	friend that their keto diet is bad for their health. But you know what happens when you tell
2:16.3	someone not to do something?
2:23.7	Their brain gets flooded with all the reasons why they should do it so they can defend against you.
	...

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