Dealing with Other People’s Defenses

Being Well with Forrest Hanson and Dr. Rick Hanson

Being Well

Health & Fitness, Education, Self-improvement, Mental Health

4.8 • 2.4K Ratings

🗓️ 5 August 2024

⏱️ 75 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Forrest and Dr. Rick tackle the tricky topic of dealing with other people’s psychological defenses. It’s often easier to see other people’s defenses than to see our own, which can make them particularly frustrating to deal with. In this episode, Rick and Forrest explore the psychological and communication skills that will allow you to have more successful conversations. They start with a quick summary of what psychological defenses are and how they operate, before talking about recognizing our biases, showing empathy, and establishing a productive tone. Rick explains how to break the cycle of counterattacks that can happen when people get defensive, and how to balance different needs for closeness and distance. Topics include effective communication skills, moving from criticism toward values, managing frustration, and helping other people become more self-aware. You can watch this episode on YouTube. Key Topics: 0:00: Introduction, psychological defenses recap 3:40: Why can’t we see other people’s defenses? 10:35: Recognizing our own vulnerabilities, and showing empathy 14:20: Setting the tone 20:10: Disrupting the cycle of counterattacks 24:20: Approaching differing needs for closeness and distance 31:15: Joining with empathy before escalating requests 38:55: A mutual orientation toward growth 41:45: Seeing openings for dialog when they present themselves 43:40: Basing dialog around values vs. criticism 47:40: Managing frustration 53:25: Is there any way to help others become more self-aware? 1:01:35: Recap I am now writing on Substack, check out my work there. Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. Sponsors Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at shopify.com/beingwell. Transform your health with the ZOE Science & Nutrition podcast. Find it wherever you listen to podcasts. Trust your gut with Seed’s DS-01 Daily Synbiotic. Go to Seed.com/BEINGWELL and use code 25BEINGWELL to get 25% off your first month. OneSkin focuses on delivering more than superficial results for your skin. Get started today with 15% off using code BEINGWELL at oneskin.co. Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month! Connect with the show: Subscribe on iTunes Follow Forrest on YouTube Follow us on Instagram Follow Forrest on Instagram Follow Rick on Facebook Follow Forrest on Facebook Visit Forrest's website Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	Hey everyone. Welcome to being well. I'm Forrest Hansen. If you're new to the show, thanks for listening today. And if you've listened before, welcome back.
0:14.8	We recently did an episode on Psychological Defenses.
0:17.9	There was a lot of interest in that episode.
0:20.3	And at the very end of it, I asked Rick a question about interacting with the defenses of other people.
0:26.0	We got great feedback about that question and people ask that we do a full episode on it,
0:30.6	so that's what we're going to be doing today.
0:33.0	Now, one of the things that makes interacting with other people's psychological defenses
0:36.8	really challenging is that there's often a kind of asymmetry between our perception of ourselves and our perception of other people.
0:45.2	Because defenses are subconscious in nature, it can sometimes be easier, at least we think,
0:50.9	to see other people's defenses operating than it can be to see our own.
0:56.0	And this is one of the reasons that dealing with these defenses is often a major issue
1:00.6	for close friends, couples, and families. So it's great that I'm joined by somebody who spent,
1:05.8	you know, a big chunk of his career working with couples and families, Dr. Rick Hansen,
1:10.0	clinical psychologist, and hey my dad, so dad, how are you doing today?
1:13.4	Oh that's why Freud called psychotherapy the impossible profession.
1:19.0	You're just calling balls and strikes in there on the time.
1:22.0	Oh man sometimes I thought about a carpenter.
1:25.4	You know, you have a board, you're trying to maybe connect a couple boards,
1:28.9	screw them together.
1:30.2	But what if you're a carpenter and your job depends on connecting these boards together,
1:35.2	but they're squirming and fighting you in the process and blaming you for continuing to be unhappy
1:41.5	that they're not connected together.
	...

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