And the The The Oh, Good evening. I am CNN Special Correspondent and Wannabe CIA operative

Wolf from Star Fox. We are coming to you live from my basement where two captive

candidates are getting ready to face off in the first deprogram presidential debate.

In just moments a brown man will debate a Slav each the presumptive nominee from two warring audience factions, a first

in American history.

This is a pivotal moment for both candidates, as with just four months until election day,

they have limited time to roast

Biden and Trump before one of them ushers in World War 3 and or dies.

I will be moderating this evening. My job is to facilitate a respectful debate with a bare minimum of racial slurs.

Before I introduce the candidates to allow me to share the rules of tonight's event

with the audience at home,

Hakim will be fully nude except for a red clown nose.

And Ugopnik will be wearing an undersized maid outfit,

fuzzy ears, and a dog collar.

These outfits were determined by coin toss.

After asking each question, we'll play an excerpt from the first presidential debate at 1.5 times speed,

after which the candidates will have one minute to collaboratively shitpost about the old men.

Once that time is up, the candidates will provide their own responses to the question.

Each candidate will be allowed one brief rebuttal or response after their opponent's answer.

Additional clarification or follow-up may be allowed at the moderator's discretion.

In the first presidential debate, the candidate's microphones were turned on only when it was their turn to speak.

In the interest of fairness and authenticity, we will leave both microphones unmuted at all times.

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