Esther Perel: How to Find, Build & Maintain Healthy Romantic Relationships

Huberman Lab

Scicomm Media

Science, Health & Fitness, Life Sciences

4.8 • 26.2K Ratings

🗓️ 16 September 2024

⏱️ 126 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

In this episode, my guest is Esther Perel, a world-renowned psychotherapist, relationship expert, and bestselling author. She explains healthy romantic relationship dynamics and how to achieve them. The answer includes curiosity not just about the other person but, more importantly, about who we can evolve into through healthy relating. Esther explains the fundamental differences and challenges in relationships formed at different stages of life. We also discuss relationship conflict and how to give and receive a true apology. Additionally, we discuss fidelity, breaches of trust, reviving relationships, and tools for understanding your needs regarding love and desire in a relationship. The episode will help listeners understand the key elements to find, build, and revive deeply satisfying romantic relationships. Access the full show notes for this episode at hubermanlab.com. Esther Perel's new Desire courses are launching tomorrow, September 17—use code HUBERMAN15 for 15% off any course through December. Thank you to our sponsors AG1: https://drinkag1.com/huberman David Protein: https://davidprotein.com/huberman LMNT: https://drinklmnt.com/huberman Helix Sleep: https://helixsleep.com/huberman Function: https://functionhealth.com/huberman Timestamps 00:00:00 Esther Perel 00:02:03 Sponsors: David Protein, LMNT & Helix Sleep 00:06:33 Romantic Relationships, Change & Self 00:11:18 Cornerstone vs. Capstone Relationships, Age Differences 00:16:53 Young vs. Older Couples, Dynamic Relationships 00:20:13 Identity & Relationship Evolution 00:26:00 Curiosity, Reactivity 00:30:29 Sponsor: AG1 00:31:59 Polarization, Conflict; Coherence & Narratives 00:38:21 Apologies, Forgiveness, Shame, Self-Esteem 00:45:00 Relationship Conflict 00:53:48 Sponsor: Function 00:55:35 Verb States of Conflict; Emotion, Narratives vs. Reality 01:00:10 Time Domains & Hurt; Caretaker & Romantic Relationships 01:08:03 Couples Therapy; Language & Naming 01:20:15 Sexuality in Relationships 01:26:20 Tool: Love & Desire, Sexuality 01:31:28 Infidelity, “Aliveness” 01:35:17 Intimacy, Abandonment, Self-Preservation 01:41:26 Erotic Blueprints, Emotional Needs 01:49:42 Tool: Repair Work, Relationship Revival; Sincere Apologies 01:59:30 Tool: Relationship Readiness 02:03:33 Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow & Reviews, Sponsors, YouTube Feedback, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter Disclaimer & Disclosures

Transcript

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0:00.0	Welcome to the Huberman Lab Podcast, where we discuss science and science-based tools for everyday life.
0:06.0	I'm Andrew Huberman and I'm a professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford School of Medicine.
0:15.0	My guest today is Esther Perrell.
0:17.0	Esther Perrell is a psychotherapist and one of the world's foremost experts on romantic relationships.
0:23.0	She's also the author of best-selling books such as Mating in captivity and the State of Affairs.
0:29.0	Today's discussion focuses on what it means to be in a truly functional romantic relationship.
0:35.0	We discuss this from the standpoint of identity, that is how people both try to hold on
0:40.1	to and evolve their identities within a relationship,
0:43.4	and how a truly functional romantic relationship
0:46.2	indeed evolves over time from a standpoint of curiosity
0:49.7	and adventure, but also one in which people need to hold on to certain components of themselves.
0:55.3	We explore what conflict in relationships looks like, and the dynamics that underlie those conflicts,
1:00.7	so focusing less on specific scenarios, but rather the dynamics that exist in
1:04.5	conflicts in romantic relationship across all different situations and
1:08.6	different combinations of people. And of course we also talk about what healthy
1:12.1	conflict resolution looks like, what a truly effective apology looks and sounds like, and we explore the erotic aspects of relationships.
1:20.0	Comparing and contrasting for instance love and desire, how sometimes those things run in parallel in the same direction, how sometimes those run in opposite directions, and how people can explore their own notions, their own models of love and desire
1:34.5	in order to have more effective romantic relationships.
1:37.6	By the end of today's episode,
1:39.1	you will learn from the world's foremost expert
1:41.6	on romantic relationships,
1:43.3	how to find, build, and revive romantic relationships
	...

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