My guest is Lori Gottlieb, MFT, a psychotherapist and bestselling author who specializes in helping people build strong relationships by first understanding themselves and the stories they’ve internalized about themselves and others. We explore how our parents, wounds and unique strengths—both consciously and unconsciously—influence our partner choices and how we show up in relationships, as well as how to avoid and break free from destructive patterns. We also discuss the impact of texting, social media and dating apps on partnership. Lori shares which signals to follow to become the best romantic partner possible and how to make choices that lead to greater vitality, happiness and fulfillment in all areas of life. Read the episode show notes at hubermanlab.com. Thank you to our sponsors AG1: https://drinkag1.com/huberman Helix Sleep: https://helixsleep.com/huberman BetterHelp: https://betterhelp.com/huberman David Protein: https://davidprotein.com/huberman LMNT: https://drinklmnt.com/huberman Timestamps 00:00:00 Dr. Lori Gottlieb 00:02:01 Patient & First Question; Talked Out of Feelings 00:06:15 Self-Regulation vs Co-Regulation, Tool: Pause & Perspective 00:10:04 Sponsors: Helix Sleep & BetterHelp 00:12:36 Relationships, Childhood & Unfinished Business 00:17:13 Unconscious Mind, Hurtful Parent & Familiarity, Role of Therapy 00:26:35 Excitement & Chaos, Cherophobia; Storytelling, First Date & Sparks? 00:36:27 Tool: Awareness of Death & Living Fully; Vitality; Fear vs Acceptance 00:47:27 Sponsors: AG1 & David Protein 00:50:35 Activate vs Energize; Tool: Technology, Numbness & Overwhelm 00:54:50 Numb or Calm?, Gender Stereotypes, Tool: Mentalizing 01:00:51 Feelings, Projective Identification, Tool: Owning Your Feelings 01:03:25 React vs Respond; Space, Tool: Face-to-Face Conversation vs Text 01:10:16 Behavioral Change, 5 Steps of Change, Tool: Self-Compassion & Accountability 01:15:38 Sponsor: LMNT 01:16:54 Deadlines & Rules; Idiot vs Wise Compassion, No Drama & Assumptions 01:26:27 Silent Treatment, Crying & Manipulation, Shame vs Guilt, Self-Preservation 01:33:01 Self-Reflection, Individual & Couples Therapy, Transference; Agency 01:38:56 Texting, Conflicts, Breakups, Pain Hierarchy, Tool: Move Forward 01:46:42 Relationship Breakups, Daily World & Loss 01:53:30 Bank of Goodwill; Talking About Partner, Focus, Comparison 02:01:13 Infidelity, What If vs What Is, Attention & Appreciation 02:04:56 Gut Instinct, Change Behavior, Danger, Productive vs Unproductive Anxiety 02:15:27 Knowing Oneself, Relationships, Flexibility, Shared History 02:20:30 Romantic Relationships & Teens, Social Media, Privacy 02:27:09 Online Apps & Choices, Maximizers vs Satisficers, Tool: Identify Your Weakness 02:33:09 Fixing Issues Early, Tool: Self vs Partner Lists & Character Qualities 02:41:51 Feeling Toward Partner, Calm, Content; Tool: Operating Instructions 02:46:48 Help-Rejecting Complainers; Relationships, Love & Core Wounds 02:51:22 Stories & Unreliable Narrators, Editing, Tool: 5 Senses 02:59:04 Young Men, Masculinity, Confusion 03:07:03 Grief, Making Sense of Loss 03:09:54 Maybe You Should Talk to Someone Workbook; Ask The Therapist, Choosing a Bigger Life 03:20:26 Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow & Reviews, YouTube Feedback, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter Disclaimer & Disclosures