I am an untidy person and I feel bad about it. It causes conflict in my home and I've tried to figure

out what's at the root of it. Sometimes I think I haven't stepped up to adulthood. I worry what I'm

modeling to my kids. And I sometimes wonder how it connects to how my brain works, what I see and don't see around the house, and also

how I respond to overwhelm and stress.

Because some people, like my husband, find decluttering and order soothing.

I am not like that.

I very rarely stop to reorganize a space, and I maybe even feel comforted by piles, each

corner a little archive of a moment. As a kid I loved the feeling of slipping my feet under the clothes I had piled up at the end of my bed,

my own DIY-weighted blanket. But really, why can't I just be more tidy? I want to be. But organizing and choosing

what stays and goes, pausing and thinking, huh, let me just do some cleaning right now. That is never

automatic for me. To be less of a slob, I feel like I am having to retrain my brain and that this is very embarrassing to admit.

My guest this week knows about this shame and how the shame can lead to more avoidance of just

dealing with your stuff and then overwhelm and then secrecy and isolation.

Because when we judge how people keep their living spaces,

we are also talking about morality and status.

If your home is well appointed, we decide it means you are responsible and

grown and it's also likely you have either the time and money to make everything

just so. If your place is sloppy or crowded

with stuff that doesn't have its own place, the judgment goes. You are juvenile,

generally not up to the task of doing what it takes.

That's especially true if you're a woman.

My guess this week is a self-described hoarder. This is different than being messy. She has so much stuff

...