The Month Before

Let's Talk with Kaitlin Reagan

Kaitlin Reagan

Education, Self-improvement

5 • 2.5K Ratings

🗓️ 30 January 2023

⏱️ 29 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

The moment the doctors told us that there was nothing more they could do for Francesco, was the moment I slowly started to fight demons in my head. The internal struggles of being in denial - trying to convince myself that he was not going to die. I lived in a world tortured by both extreme thoughts eating away at me, and didn't know which one was going to be the outcome. Francesco and I both struggled in different ways, yet continued to show up for one another however we could. In the end we never gave up on each other.

Transcript

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0:00.0	No matter how many times the doctors tried to tell me that Francesco was not going to make it,
0:10.0	there was still a big part of me that believed that they were wrong.
0:17.0	And when I look back, I think one of the major reasons why I believed the doctors were wrong,
0:25.0	besides of course trying to stay optimistic, was because it just would have hurt way too bad to assume otherwise.
0:36.0	Like if I were to sit there during the month of March, during the month of February,
0:42.0	and really sit down on myself and say, the cancer is going to take him,
0:48.0	I would have needed some serious help.
0:52.0	So the only thing that I had left to do was to believe that he was going to be okay.
1:02.0	Something that I never communicated with you guys was that the chemotherapy did not work.
1:09.0	His cancer was just moving too quick and the chemo just couldn't keep up.
1:16.0	And on March 4th, we had a meeting with the doctors in the hospital to figure out what else could we do.
1:24.0	And I remember this day like it was yesterday. I went with him and we were sitting in the room waiting and waiting for the doctors to come in.
1:34.0	And I do want to communicate that we were actually really excited.
1:40.0	We were excited to hear what else we could do because all we wanted to really do was get this over with so we can go back to our normal lives.
1:50.0	We were tired of, he was tired, his family was tired, we were all exhausted of this cancer destroying him.
2:04.0	And we were sitting in the room and Francesco was sitting on the recliner chair in the hospital because he always liked the couches.
2:12.0	He thought they were more comfortable and I was sitting in the actual hospital bed holding his hand.
2:18.0	The doctors come in and they say to us, you know, Francesco, after long thought, after sitting down trying to think, you know, what are some of the other options we could do.
2:32.0	We've come to the realization that at this point, there is nothing more that we can offer you.
2:43.0	And I remember sitting there while they said that and I tell you that tears were rolling down my face one after the other after the other.
2:53.0	And there was no stopping these tears no matter how hard I tried to keep it together, no matter how strong I tried to be there was no stopping it.
3:05.0	But if you were to not look at me, you would have no idea I was crying because it was silent tears.
	...

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