Anxious and Avoidant in Relationship: The Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic

Being Well with Forrest Hanson and Dr. Rick Hanson

Being Well

Health & Fitness, Education, Self-improvement, Mental Health

4.8 • 2.4K Ratings

🗓️ 9 December 2024

⏱️ 82 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

We all have different needs for closeness and distance, for intimacy and independence. You might have heard terms like anxious or avoidant attachment to describe this, and these tendencies can create challenges - particularly when people with different needs try to relate to each other. In this episode, Dr. Rick and Forrest explore why we're drawn to people who activate our insecurities, how anxiety manifests differently in "pursuers" versus "distancers," and what we can all do to work with our natural tendencies more skillfully. They discuss common relationship patterns, why pursuers usually receive more blame than distancers, schizoid personalities, and practical ways to break free from entrenched patterns. Rick’s Yearly Program: Rick’s Foundations of Well-Being 2.0 is a year-long, science-backed journey through developing 12 key inner strengths like mindfulness, motivation, and confidence. It’s currently on sale, and if you like Being Well we think you’ll love it. Follow the link here and use coupon code beingwell20 for an additional 20% off: RickHanson.com/FWB You can watch this episode on YouTube. Key Topics: 0:00: Introduction 2:00: Key characteristics of pursuers and distancers 9:25: Demands and reassurance 13:35: Assigning blame, and gender stereotypes 20:40: Why opposites attract, the power of small wins, and changing ourselves 31:15: The distancer 40:45: Finding motivation to identify common ground with our partner 54:30: The pursuer 1:00:00: Self-consciousness and ego 1:02:10: Brave questions to ask in your relationship 1:07:00: Recap I am now writing on Substack, check out my work there. Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. Sponsors Use promo code hanson at the link below to get an exclusive 60% off an annual plan at incogni.com/hanson. Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at shopify.com/beingwell. Get 15% off OneSkin with the code BEINGWELL at https://www.oneskin.co/ #oneskinpod Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month! Transform your health with the ZOE Science & Nutrition podcast. Find it wherever you listen to podcasts. Connect with the show: Subscribe on iTunes Follow Forrest on YouTube Follow us on Instagram Follow Forrest on Instagram Follow Rick on Facebook Follow Forrest on Facebook Visit Forrest's website Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	Hey everyone, welcome to being well. I'm Forrest Hanson. If you're new to the show,
0:11.1	thanks for listening today. And if you've listened before, welcome back. We all have different needs
0:16.0	for closeness and distance, for intimacy and independence. Some of us tend to reach for more connection,
0:22.7	while others prioritize having plenty of space. You might have heard terms like anxious or avoidant
0:28.7	attachment to describe this, but there are plenty of other ways of thinking about it as well,
0:32.8	and we'll be talking about some of those today. And these tendencies don't just appear in our romantic relationships.
0:38.4	They have an enormous impact on our lives as a whole. In this episode, we're going to be
0:43.2	exploring these different ways of relating, the challenging patterns that can appear when more
0:47.7	avoidant and more anxious people try to relate to each other, and most importantly, what anyone
0:52.9	can do to work with their own tendencies
0:55.3	in healthier ways. So to help me do that, I'm joined today as usual by clinical psychologist,
1:00.9	Dr. Rick Hansen. So, Dad, how are you doing today? I'm happy. I'm good, and I'm really glad
1:06.4	that we're doing a topic that is squarely in my own wheelhouse clinically and also personally.
1:12.3	Yeah, this is like right in your area of expertise here, which I think is totally great when we get to do those that are located that way, in part because you spend so much time as a couples and family therapist.
1:22.3	Yeah.
1:22.9	Before we get into the episode today, I do want to give people a quick reminder about Rick's Foundations of Wellbeing 2.0 program, which is currently on sale. It's Rick's flagship online program,
1:32.0	and it's a year-long science-backed journey through developing 12 key inner strengths,
1:36.5	like mindfulness, motivation, and confidence. And I collaborated with Rick on this version of
1:41.1	the program. There are some short intro videos to each section from the two of us.
1:45.0	If you like being well, I think that you'll really love it. I've included a link to it in the
1:48.9	description for this episode in your podcast player. And the holiday special is running right now for it.
1:53.9	I think it's something like 40% off. Then you can get an additional 20% off with coupon code being well 20.
	...

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