Happy New Year. It's January 2025, the beginning of the second quarter of the 21st century

and the end of all your resolutions as you slowly sink back into a pear-shaped blob,

bringing into oblivion like George Clooney and Gravity, but without the paycheck.

So, after you've canceled that gym membership and put all your new workout gear on eBay,

let's gather together around the crystal ball of the imagination while I pretend to gaze into the future

so I can make ridiculous predictions that I hope you'll forget by the time I get around to claiming I was right about everything.

In politics, I predict that Donald Trump will take office January 20th and on day one,

they'll reduce corruption in government 80% by not being Joe Biden.

I predict that on day one, Trump will issue a blanket pardon of half the January 6 demonstrators,

the other half or undercover FBI agents, will be put in prison where they belong.

And I predict that on day one, Trump will issue a

declaration that there are only two genders that men are the ones with testicles except for

Republicans in the House of Representatives. In journalism, I predict ABC will fire George Stephanopoulos

for intimidating women into silence. And they'll realize that's why they hired him in the first place,

and then they'll be rehired and assigned to the view.

I predict that CNN will double its viewership

when an old man in Milwaukee forgets how to use his remote.

And I predict that the New York Times will save space

by publishing nothing but Trump emojis,

followed by crap emojis, followed by crap emojis, followed by crying

emojis, until the paper is so simplistic and repetitive, it can be written by AI, but without

the I, so it's just A. As in A, this paper sucks. Cancel my subscription. In the culture, I predict

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