Trust in the news media has dropped so far that after people watch Margaret Brennan on Face the Nation,

they check their wrist to make sure she hasn't stolen their watch.

A new Gallup poll shows that 53% of Americans believe journalists are two-faced, lying dirtbags,

who have sunk so low they could walk under a snake's belly with a top hat on.

36% say they couldn't do it with a top hat, but probably could with a derby or maybe a fedora.

The remaining 11% say they watched the news just last night and think journalists are great.

Or maybe that was Matlock and they mean lawyers.

The White House Correspondence Association, or White House

Correspondents asked for short, became concerned over the media's failing popularity after

White House smoke show Carolyn Levitt announced that from now on, new media reporters would get

front row seats at press briefings while legacy reporters would be required to stand in the corner

and repeat, I will not lie about the president 400 times before they can ask a question,

and even then they can only ask it silently in their minds.

The president of the White House correspondence asked, Mr. Schmuckface McLoughlife, protested

Ms. Levitt's decision and said he would do anything to be allowed to sit

close to her again or just to have a garment that still smelled of her perfume. Ms. Leavitt responded,

Get the hell away from me, you creep, which Mr. McLololife took as a good sign since at least she

acknowledged his existence. In an attempt to win back the goodwill of the public, journalists have hired a new

spokesman, the accomplished hypnotist Swami Origami Umami, who is so excited to make the journalist

case that he's taken a pay cut from his former job of running the three-card Monty game off the top

of a cardboard box outside the Port Authority bus terminal in Manhattan. The Daily Wire

interviewed Swami Umami, and we're pleased to publish the transcript of that Q&A.

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