I believe that America's core ideals are very much linked to its Christian faith.

So, since its Easter season, I thought this would be a good time to take a closer look at the

state of our national religious life and then weep quietly and say it was a great country

while it lasted. According to a Pew poll, 62% of Americans identify as Christian. This is a slight drop from the

1697 poll, which showed 99.9% of Americans were Christian, with one heretic hiding in the woods,

hoping some guy with a buckle on his hat wouldn't blow his head off with a blunderbuss. But today's

religious landscape looks different depending on political affiliation. On the political

left, 43% of those who identify as progressives say they have abandoned Christianity and become

Episcopalians. 14% of progressives say they have renounced the corrupt beliefs of colonizing

white men, have returned to the innocent and beautiful natural

religion of indigenous peoples and were preparing to sacrifice a virgin to the volcano god

until they realized that by the time they were sure she was a virgin, she wasn't a virgin

anymore, and if they threw her into a volcano, there'd be no one left who knew how to make

breakfast. Other progressives say they are sick of the

sort of restrictive religions that ruin the 1950s by making everything so great. Instead,

they have turned to more modern faiths with practices that reflect the moral progress of mankind.

These practices include yogic meditation, ritual mindfulness, and tantric sex, followed by

butchering any unborn babies conceived during tantric sex, then celebrating the mass slaughter

by dancing around a pole in a wild blood-drenched frenzy, getting a full-body tattoo,

featuring goat-headed demigods with flaming eyes, then running naked through a

forest while grunting inarticulately and listening to music that's mostly composed of drum beats

and shrieking because classic rock is just the best. Among Christians on the extreme right,

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