Tower Wine Notice

All residents of Ages Tower are reminded to submit any registered lethal equipment to the nearest readiness receptacle for a thorough scan of its current state of functionality and upkeep, as well as to reset its programming to ensure its continued utility.

Imagine being on duty as a tower security officer,

drawing your weapon on a potentially threatening humanoid life form,

only to have it failed to fire due to missing your pre-scheduled checkup time.

This exact scenario has happened before, 27 minutes ago, to be precise.

And Officer Fez will never again require a reminder on this particular issue.

Perhaps you are saying to yourself, surely this is not a problem for me.

I have not been issued a firearm, shock baton, flamethrower, laser-guided,

self-boring neurodart launcher or staple gun.

I do not possess a single piece of lethal equipment.

To that I would say,

perhaps you need to think more creatively about how the items entrusted to you might be used for lethal purposes.

Those of you working a desk job may not have been issued a pistol, but imagine the damage you could do with a typical pair of space scissors.

Jam those into any available artery and twist.

Then try to tell me you haven't been issued any lethal equipment.

Or take, for instance, the standard issue gravity-dependent 32-ounce paper weight.

Did you know that these weights, with their heft in myriad pointy edges,

are fully capable of inflicting fatal head trauma if introduced to a fellow resident

at even a modest velocity.

As you now realize, all residents of Aegis Tower should take this notice seriously.

Remember, if you consider any piece of airlith issued equipment non-lethal,

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