Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, Squatters writes.

Diane brings the case against her husband, Will. Will grew up attending a summer camp deep in the wilderness of Ontario. And last year, he bought it.

Diane loves being a camp director and living off the grid except for one thing.

The communal outhouse called the fort.

Diane wants a proper toilet in their cabin.

But Will says privacy is impractical.

Who's right, who's wrong, only one can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom

and presents an obscure cultural reference. Sitting there before me in the living room, shirtless,

barefoot and wearing only an old pair of jeans, sat my biblical companion, Michael Rapunzel,

the great guru of the commune known as the Brotherhood of the Spirit,

the lead singer and songwriter for the rock band's Spirit and Flesh, the Pied Piper of Western

Massachusetts, and the Grand Wizard of Warwick sitting with a half-empty bucket of Kentucky

fried chicken right in front of him.

Bail of Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in.

Will and Diane, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole

truth, and nothing but the truth? So help you, God or whatever? I do, yes. I do, yes.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that as far as I know and want to know, he does not use the bathroom?

Yes, I do.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

We shall maintain the taboo of our excretions, Jesse.

I shall never admit that I use the bathroom.

...