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Conversations with Dr. Jennifer

Help! I'm Not Attracted to My Spouse!

Conversations with Dr. Jennifer

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife

Self-improvement, Education, Mental Health, Sexuality, Health & Fitness

4.4978 Ratings

🗓️ 11 June 2024

⏱️ 54 minutes

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

  In this NEW episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife takes questions from her Facebook Group members on the nuanced and delicate topic of loss of attraction in marriage. In the discussion, Dr. Finlayson-Fife discusses how habituation, boredom, and resentment can undermine attraction, and how gratitude, appreciation, and novelty can foster it. She also expertly responds to questions like: * What can I do if I was never attracted to my spouse? * My spouse has developed self-destructive habits that are impacting my attraction, how can I address this? * I am disappointed by certain aspects of my spouse's appearance, what can I do? * I am physically attracted to my spouse, but their personality is unappealing, what can I do? * My spouse is apathetic about their health / hygeine, how can I address this? * Can I rekindle the attraction for my spouse that I once had? You can watch the recording of this conversation HERE!

Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0

Welcome to Conversations with Dr. Jennifer, a collection of interviews on the topics of relationships, sexuality, and more, all featuring Dr Finlason Fife.

0:30.0

Welcome everybody. We're here to talk about loss of attraction. This is obviously a topic that's really important to a lot of people.

0:33.4

I think it's a charged topic in part because there's so many factors that have to do with something

0:40.3

as nuanced and delicate as attraction. Attraction is something. as in a marriage that's thriving and intimate and happy.

0:55.0

And so I want to talk about just some sort of foundational ideas

1:02.0

before I take up any of the question and you know

1:07.0

acknowledging that some of these may relate to your situation and others will not and

1:17.0

again it can be a little bit sensitive on both sides of this. So let me just start with the first idea which is that we're not

1:21.0

that all of this are not attracted some of the time to our partners right so

1:27.7

it's just true that in a long-term marriage you're going to have moments where you do not feel attracted what your spouse is doing is actually

1:36.2

killing desire.

1:38.2

Again that kind of delicate energy that can get destroyed with the wrong comment, with the bad smell, with the annoying

1:46.1

behavior that you hate so much. And so, you know, in any honest marriage, absence of attraction is going to be a part of it some of the time.

1:58.0

And so even if your spouse is very attractive in some conventional sense, if you're paying attention,

2:07.0

there's going to be, this is why movie stars can get divorced, this is why supermodels are not necessarily with someone that's

2:15.1

attracted to them because who you are as a person has a lot to do with attraction and

2:21.6

also habituation has a lot to do with attraction. So when we get bored, when we start to take the other person for granted, right?

2:32.0

attraction goes down.

2:34.7

Novelty pushes attraction up.

2:37.3

So even if the very same spouse that you're married to,

2:39.7

you were to meet again now, you know, having not known them at all and you were single, you would very

2:46.6

likely find them appealing or compelling. Now, some of you would be like, no, I wouldn't, and

...

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