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Conversations with Dr. Jennifer

Three's a Crowd [Triangulation in Relationships]

Conversations with Dr. Jennifer

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife

Self-improvement, Education, Mental Health, Sexuality, Health & Fitness

4.4 • 978 Ratings

🗓️ 15 August 2023

⏱️ 44 minutes

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

Triangulation–is a concept you’re likely familiar with, even if you’re not familiar with the term. If you’ve ever been frustrated with your spouse and turned to a friend to complain, you’ve triangulated. Triangulation is our attempt to bring stability to perceived instability in a relationship. As any new cyclist can attest–three wheels are much more stable than two. And relationships aren’t all that different. Dyads (relationships of two) are inherently unstable, and when that instability makes us anxious (as it often does), we can feel the pull to turn to someone outside of the relationship to diffuse our anxiety. Triangles aren’t always a bad thing–seeking wise input from a therapist or thoughtful friend can help you see yourself in your relationship more clearly.  You can use that insight to bring more stability to the dyad through your own growth. But, there are plenty of unhealthy types of triangles as well (affairs, finding validation from family or friends) and when we turn to those (usually in an effort to justify our own immature behavior) we prevent ourselves and our relationships from growing in important ways. In this NEW podcast episode, I join Heather Frazier of the Pivot Parenting Podcast to talk about triangulation in families and the negative impact that triangulation has on our children and our marriages. Listen to the full episode to learn: * What triangulation is and why it is so tempting * The three classic roles in triangled relationships—victim, perpetrator, and rescuer (and how we toggle between roles at different times) * How to distinguish between healthy triangles and unhealthy ones * How triangulation is related to codependency * How to break the pattern of triangulation when it’s undermining your relationships In this episode, Heather mentions how much she loves the Room for Two Podcast--you can learn more about Room for Two (and start your subscription) HERE. 

Transcript

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0:00.0

Welcome to Conversations with Dr. Jennifer, a collection of interviews on the topics of relationships, sexuality, and more, all featuring Dr Finlayson-Fife.

0:27.6

Welcome, Jennifer. Welcome Jennifer again for the fourth time to pivot parenting. I really appreciate having you on. Thanks for having me. We are going to have an excellent conversation today.

0:35.7

One thing that I have noticed on occasion with my clients and I have enjoyed listening in

0:41.5

your room for two paid podcast that I can't say enough good about.

0:46.1

I tell all my friends and family that they need to subscribe.

0:50.2

I even, full disclosure, I've even bought the subscription for some people because of the value that you deliver on.

0:57.0

But that is of triangulation.

1:01.0

So I don't know that a lot of people are familiar with that term. Can you define what

1:09.4

triangulation with a parent child dynamic can look like.

1:16.2

So Murray Bowen, who was the kind of the father

1:20.2

of differentiation theory, he talked about the fact that diatic relationships are unstable and that even in physics the thing to make something more stable is to turn it into a

1:38.1

triangle right and so whenads come under stress like a marital relationship,

1:47.2

it's very easy to go look for a third party

1:50.5

to help stabilize the diad.

1:53.4

And there's nothing wrong with triangles.

1:55.9

There's nothing wrong.

1:56.9

You know, even a version of a kind of healthy triangle

2:00.3

would be, well, couples who go to a therapist that's involving a third party,

2:06.0

but is not necessarily bad for the relationship.

2:10.0

Another version of a triangle is a shared kind of endeavor effort.

2:15.0

You're working together for the same goal.

2:18.0

That's a way of a triangulation that increases the stability of the diad. But there's a lot of immature and

...

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